Include Me Out

Rocking Around the Chanukah Bush

By Joan Opyr, 12-17-07

Last week, I attended my son’s “Winter Program” at his elementary school. It was good. My son likes to sing, and the music teacher kept things lively with drums, hand bells, and a modified version of the Lindy Hop. The only downside? That painful moment when the school throws a Chanukah bone to the Jewish folk.

Chanukah is a minor holiday in Judaism. It’s a time to eat latkes and jelly doughnuts. It’s eight days of hardening the arteries and creating a nightly fire hazard with an ever-increasing succession of tippy candles. No matter what size you buy, they never quite fit the menorah on hand. Over the years, I’ve torched two tables and a writing desk. I’d switch to an electric menorah, but I feel about those the way many Christians feel about aluminum trees. It’s okay for grandma, but I’m still young enough to attend to the real thing, and I’ll thank you very to not count my gray hairs. I can do that without your assistance.

I do appreciate the spirit of inclusiveness that leads Christians to slip The Dreidel Song into the Winter Program, but you know what? No one likes The Dreidel Song. First, playing Dreidel is no great thrill.  It’s a top with Hebrew letters on the side. You’d be hard pressed to find a kid who wouldn’t rather play Pokemon.  Also, coming on the heels of Jingle Bell Rock, The Dreidel Song sounds like the Hokey Pokey. Even worse is Oh Chanukah, which sounds like a dirge. You want a good song? Try Hava Nagila. It’s got a good beat. You can dance the Hora to it.

What Chanukah is not is the Jewish Christmas. We don’t have Christmas. That’s one of the things that separates Jews from Gentiles. Jesus, who was Jewish, didn’t have Christmas, either. Maybe he had a birthday party, but that’s not the same thing. The major Jewish holidays are Rosh Hashana, Yom Kippur, Purim, and Passover. Unfortunately, Passover often takes place about the same time as Easter, and that leads to major confusion among Jewish children. While chocolate can be Kosher, rabbits are definitely not. No, not even that Cadbury bunny who lays the chocolate eggs.

There are other Jewish holidays with fabulous and hard-to-pronounce names. Sukkot. Simchat Torah. Shavu’ot. Unless you’re Jewish yourself or insatiably curious, you don’t need to know a thing about them. You just need to give us time off work if we come in and point to some date on the Jewish calendar. You’ll get the time back at Christmas and possibly Easter, depending on where it falls in that messed Julian calendar of yours. Here’s another tip: Rosh Hashanah is the Jewish New Year. It never even comes close to taking place on January 1st. Unless it’s on falls on a Friday, even the most devout can work it.

Of course, I can’t speak for all Jews. For one thing, I’m a convert. I’m of Jewish descent on the paternal side, so I don’t speak from nature but nurture. I chose to leave Christmas when I chose to leave Christianity. I don’t know if that makes me more tolerant of Merry Christmas and Ho, Ho, Ho. It might make me less. I do know that I can deal with a Christmas pageant masquerading as a Winter Program so long as it doesn’t get into religion, we don’t pretend that Santa Claus is secular, and I never have to hear The Dreidel Song again.  Please.  I’d rather listen to Adam Sandler.  His Chanukah Song gets it exactly right—not that I want my kid singing that one at school.

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