Bob Wire Has a Point (It's Under His Cowboy Hat)

The Real Message Hidden in Obama’s SOTU Address

I HAD to watch it. It was on, like, EVERY channel!

By Bob Wire, 1-28-10

 
  "Mr. Wire, this is the State of the Union address. I am not taking requests."

Caught here in the whirlpool of spin after President Obama’s State of the Union speech, I’m seeing smoke coming out of my translation machine. What sounded like a typical halftime pep talk in the legislative locker room was thick with nuance and deeper meaning, and I have decided to share my half-cocked, front-loaded, emotionally weighted interpretation of what the President was really saying. I’ll break it down line by line, and try to give you an idea of what he was trying to get across, couched in candidate-speak. I have filtered the speech through a combination of cynicism and ignorance, and here’s what I heard:

President Obama: “I have never been more hopeful about America’s future than I am tonight. Despite our hardships, our union is strong. We do not give up. We do not quit. We do not allow fear or division to break our spirit. In this new decade, it’s time the American people get a government that matches their decency; that embodies their strength.”

Translation: “You Republicans are providing all the cooperation and enthusiasm of a door stop. America made it clear that they’ve had it up to their bullet-proof vests with the politics of fear and paranoia. Besides, Nixon was so much better at it than Bush and Cheney. Now quit worrying about your polling numbers, and see if you can grow enough ethical cojones to help us get this mess cleaned up.”

Obama: “I have proposed a fee on the biggest banks. I know Wall Street isn’t keen on this idea, but if these firms can afford to hand out big bonuses again, they can afford a modest fee to pay back the taxpayers who rescued them in their time of need.”

Translation: “Wall Street is nothing but Las Vegas in Brooks Brothers suit. We need to stop giving a shit about Wall Street. We already got duped into bailing out their buddies in the banking industry, which is nothing but Atlantic City with a thousand-dollar hooker on its arm. It’s like this: if your cousin Lester borrowed $2500 for some dental surgery and then blew it on roulette in Vegas, would you reward him with another $1000? Or would you take action that would result in Lester needing even more extensive dental surgery? Yeah, that’s what I thought.”

Obama: “As we stabilized the financial system, we also took steps to get our economy growing again, save as many jobs as possible, and help Americans who had become unemployed. That’s why we extended or increased unemployment benefits for more than 18 million Americans; made health insurance 65% cheaper for families who get their coverage through COBRA; and passed 25 different tax cuts. Let me repeat: we cut taxes.”

Translation: “I know better than to cut taxes while we are conducting two different wars. But this country is full of stupid people who can’t see beyond their own paycheck on Friday. They’ll plaster their trucks with “Support the Troops” magnets, but if you tried to raise their taxes to help fund these ridiculous wars instead of having to cut education and numerous domestic programs, they’d choke on their Skoal. No, Americans want to have it both ways: ‘Oh, I support the troops. Just not with money.’”

Obama: “Tomorrow, I’ll visit Tampa, Florida, where workers will soon break ground on a new high-speed railroad funded by the Recovery Act.”

Translation: “Tampa’s bus system is a piece of shit.”

Obama: “We need to export more of our goods. Because the more products we make and sell to other countries, the more jobs we support right here in America. So tonight, we set a new goal: We will double our exports over the next five years, an increase that will support two million jobs in America.”

Translation: “I am legalizing the sale of marijuana.”

Obama: “I took on health care because of the stories I’ve heard from Americans with pre-existing conditions whose lives depend on getting coverage; patients who’ve been denied coverage; and families – even those with insurance – who are just one illness away from financial ruin.”

Translation: “I was naïve enough to think that Congress might still be somewhat interested in doing something that would benefit the people who ELECTED THEM. Silly me. Of course, most U.S. Senators are hand puppets of such powerful lobbies as the NRA, Big Pharmacy, and the insurance racket. I’ve never seen such corruption, and I’m from Chicago. These people make Boss Tweed look like Abe Lincoln.”

Obama: “I want to acknowledge our First Lady, Michelle Obama, who this year is creating a national movement to tackle the epidemic of childhood obesity and make our kids healthier.”

Translation: “Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son.”

Obama: “At the beginning of the last decade, America had a budget surplus of over $200 billion. By the time I took office, we had a one year deficit of over $1 trillion and projected deficits of $8 trillion over the next decade. Most of this was the result of not paying for two wars, two tax cuts, and an expensive prescription drug program. On top of that, the effects of the recession put a $3 trillion hole in our budget. That was before I walked in the door.”

Translation: “Thanks to the previous Dolt-In-Chief and his frat-boy aversion to the consequences of pretty much everything, we’re in deep kimchi. Yeah, I added to the deficit. But don’t forget—Bush took a balanced budget and put us in a deep hole. All I did was take his huge deficit and make it ginormous.”

Obama: “Starting in 2011, we are prepared to freeze government spending for three years.”

Translation: “If we want to start another war, it will have to be sponsored by Gatorade.”

Obama: “What frustrates the American people is a Washington where every day is Election Day. We cannot wage a perpetual campaign where the only goal is to see who can get the most embarrassing headlines about their opponent – a belief that if you lose, I win. Neither party should delay or obstruct every single bill just because they can. The confirmation of well-qualified public servants should not be held hostage to the pet projects or grudges of a few individual Senators.”

Translation: “Hey, Congress. Cut the crap.”

Obama: “To Democrats, I would remind you that we still have the largest majority in decades, and the people expect us to solve some problems, not run for the hills.”

Translation: “Grow a pair, Democrats. You too, Pelosi. You guys have caved in more often than a Haitian bomb shelter.”

Obama: “As a candidate, I promised that I would end this war.”

Translation: “Yeah, THIS war. Not THAT war.”

Obama: “With all due deference to the separation of powers, the court last week reversed a century of law that I believe will open the floodgates for special interests—including foreign corporations—to spend without limit in our elections.”

Translation: “That’s right, Alito, I’m looking at you. Anyone with half a brain is not buying your ‘free speech’ cop-out. You are a chump. I think the great Jerry Reed said it best in his classic song, ‘When You’re Hot You’re Hot”—‘If you wasn’t wearin’ that black robe, I’d take you out back of this courthouse and try a little bit of your honor on!’”

Obama: “I campaigned on the promise of change – change we can believe in, the slogan went. And right now, I know there are many Americans who aren’t sure if they still believe we can change – or at least, that I can deliver it.”

Translation: “The American public, by and large, has the attention span of a gnat, and the intellectual depth of a Labrador retriever. Why do you think people like Glenn Beck and Sean Hannity have jobs? A lot of people expected to wake up the morning after my election, and suddenly find themselves in a world where global warming was solved, gasoline was free, their farts smelled like candy, and their dicks were three inches longer. Well guess what, it took a long time to run this ship aground, and it’s going to take a long time to get it back afloat. Especially with a bunch of teabaggers constantly drilling holes in the hull. I don’t expect everyone to love every decision I make, or to have Will.i.am write a song about every little achievement. But I would hope that you could stop watching ‘Lost’ long enough to consider the magnitude of the job I’m trying to tackle here.”

Obama: “Let’s seize this moment—to start anew, to carry the dream forward, and to strengthen our union once more. Thank you. God bless you. And God bless the United States of America.”

Translation: “If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the bar.”

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Comments

By the real mike, 1-28-10
By Geoff, 1-28-10
By Mickey Garcia, 1-29-10
By Doug Johnston, 1-29-10
By Clarence Worly, 1-29-10
By Bob Wire, 1-29-10
By Glenn Marangelo, 1-29-10
By Clarence Worly, 1-29-10
By bearbait, 1-29-10
By Mickey Garcia, 1-30-10
By bearbait, 1-30-10
By Mickey Garcia, 1-30-10
By Dave Goodfellow, 1-30-10
By bearbait, 1-30-10
By Mickey Garcia, 1-30-10
By bearbait, 1-30-10
By Mickey Garcia, 1-30-10
By Clarence Worly, 1-30-10
By Mickey Garcia, 1-30-10
By Mickey Garcia, 1-31-10
By Nate Schweber, 1-31-10
By bearbait, 1-31-10
By Mickey Garcia, 1-31-10
By lfehl, 2-01-10
By Mick Russom, 2-02-10
By mickrussom, 2-02-10
By Mickey Garcia, 2-02-10

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