Bob Wire Has a Point (It's Under His Cowboy Hat)

Understanding Musician-Speak

By Bob Wire, 2-01-10

	"Here's a song I wrote...it features the bass!"

When you’re chewing the fat with a musician friend, do you wind up scratching your head when she starts talking about needing to “woodshed” with her “combo” because they have a “showcase” coming up and she has to work on her “chops?” Well, don’t feel bad. Musicians, specifically working musicians, have an entire lexicon they use to communicate with each other about their peculiar world.

As a service to my readers and music fans everywhere, I’ve decided to give you a glimpse into the arcane, mysterious and smelly existence of the working musician by defining some of these terms you might hear them throw around. Feel free to add your own examples in the comments section. And it goes a little somethin’ like this…

Gig: a paid appearance, where a musician or band plays to a group of people who would rather talk loudly amongst themselves and/or listen to a jukebox. (“I saw your ex-wife at the gig last night, buying everybody drinks with your child support money.”)

Load in: Bringing the band’s equipment into the venue and setting it up. This is usually when the band discovers that some vital piece of equipment has been left behind, or “spaced.”

Freebird: a song request hollered by a crowd member during a gig. It is meant to be ironic, and was kind of funny the first ten thousand times or so, but is now so mundane that when you look up the word “cliché” in the dictionary, there’s a picture of some jackass yelling “Freebird!” at a band.

Load out: Obviously, this is when the band breaks down the stage after the show and loads their gear back into the van. The gear is invariably packed and arranged more haphazardly than it was before driving to the gig, because the band is drunk and/or stoned and/or can’t wait to get out of this shithole where the locals can’t resist yelling “Freebird.”

Pointy guitar: An angular electric guitar favored by heavy metal bands. Their shape is meant to convey menace or danger, and makes them impossible to set on a normal guitar stand.

Weedly weedly: The type of finger-tapping, ultra-fast guitar solo typically played on a pointy guitar (see: “Eruption” by Van Halen). Also known as “face melting,” “shredding,” or “six-string masturbation.”

Tablature, or tab: A system of musical notation that uses an actual diagram of a guitar neck. It is designed to be understood by guitarists, many of whom have their hands full trying to read English, let alone music.

Sheet music: Placed in front of a rhythm guitarist, it’s the only sure way to get him to play quieter.

Plank spanker: An electric bass player. Usually a guy who wanted to be in a band, but didn’t want to put the time or effort into learning guitar. Typically the sharpest dresser in the group. (“Wow, dig that plank spanker’s ostrich cowboy boots. He must be good.”)

DJ/MC/Turntablist: A guy who wanted to be in a band but didn’t want to put in the time or effort into learning the electric bass.

Music Store: A pawn shop.

Wedding gig: Among the most highly prized of musical engagements. Tons of free food, short sets with long breaks, a large pool of dolled-up, drink-swilling women from out of town, and three to four times the pay of a four hour bar gig. Down side: probably will have to play “Proud Mary” or “At Last.”

Wedding sandwich: One of the less attractive aspects of a wedding gig, it’s a dinner roll cut in half, into which you have to stuff huge wads of meat and cheese. (“I was constipated bad after that wedding gig, man. Must’ve been those 14 wedding sandwiches I ate.”)

Open bar: If there is one at the wedding you’re playing, you should probably try to get paid in advance.

Bread: Money, which is always in short supply for the working musician. It’s usually distributed evenly between pawn shops, liquor stores, and attorneys. (See also: cabbage, lettuce, spenderoni, whip-out, dinero, scratch, jack, hundies, bennies, dough-re-mi, etc.)

Side meat: Anyone in the band who is not the front man. (“I think the side meat should get a smaller cut of the jack because they don’t have to remember all the words.”)

Clam: A wrong note. (“Jesus, did you hear all the clams that bass player pulled in that song? Was he making clam chowder? That was a real clam bake. I’ll bet he likes smoked clams.”)

Jazz cigarette: A joint. Typically enjoyed just before a gig or during a break, it can lead to a lot of clams, or endless repetition of a musical phrase. Enjoyed heavily by jam bands.

Giggle soup: Alcohol. (“Every time our guitarist gets into the giggle soup, the bitch thinks he’s Carlos Santana. Let’s put some sheet music in front of him.”)

Strap lock: Duct tape. One of the most essential pieces of music gear used by any band, it can do everything from sticking a set list to a monitor, taping down cables to the stage, or strapping a promoter to a chair after the gig until he comes up with every nickel that he promised to the band for playing this lame-ass bar in this godforsaken little hillbilly town.

Singer-songwriter: A guitarist who does not own a pointy guitar, but still wants to impress the chicks. Uses a capo a lot, probably spends a lot of time on his hair, and plays sitting down. Typically wears at least two bracelets. Words like “magic,” “fantasy,” “dreams,” “rainbow,” and “angel” show up frequently in his songs. Sometimes wears a beret or doo-rag to cover his bald spot.

Home studio: A Shure SM57 microphone connected to a Dell laptop in a musician’s spare bedroom or basement.

Merch: A band’s or artist’s merchandise, such as CD’s, t-shirts, or any other trinkets they may sell to help supplement their income. (“Hey, if we sell enough merch at this gig, we won’t have to straplock the promoter to a chair.”)

Drum solo: An important tool that allows guitar and bass players to take a well-deserved break.

Bass solo: It’s kind of like a Gulf Coast hurricane. No one wants to see it, but you know it’s coming eventually.

Woodshed: To practice intensively. (“Man, we must have woodshedded for two months before that gig, but the lead guitarist still had a major clambake.”)

Free jazz: Name given to a style of music that is performed when the band has not taken the time to woodshed.

Stage presence: Usually attributed to a front man or a particularly charismatic instrumentalist, it’s a certain magnetic quality that attracts the audience’s attention, and usually means the performer knows a lot of good jokes and/or (if female) has large breasts.

Blues scale: The fundamental building block of guitar solos. Also called “in the box.” Many electric guitarists never progress beyond this pattern, and some have even made a successful career out of it (see: George Thorogood). (“You know, that Bob Wire has a lot of stage presence, but he’s been playing in the box all night. He must have had a jazz cigarette.”)

[Why not pass this column along to your fun-loving musician friends? Then bookmark NewWest.net/BobWire. Whew! Must be break time!]

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By Bob Wire, 2-01-10 | comments (23) | email story | print story