The Dog Blog with Kathryn Socie
View from the Fence, Watching a Battle Among Women Unravel
By Kathryn Socie, 10-25-08
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I’m a pacifist by nature, so when small wars break out around me, I silently protest and keep my distance. No surprise, while at a recent baby shower, when a woman turned to me and said: “Do you really think you can be happy just having dogs?” I nodded emotionlessly and shrugged half-heartedly, trying to deflect and defuse the potential for emotional onslaught and keep some semblance of peace. Despite my efforts, it is near impossible to stay out of the fray of this particular war among American women.
As if on cue, another woman began rushing in my direction filled with fury, ready to dive into battle. “If she chooses not to have children, that is her right and you have no place to criticize,” she exclaimed, sputtering. Sputtering. The two launched into battle. To have or not to have children escalated into issues of working or staying home with the children. Ugh.
As a childless thirty-something, my jury is out on the child issue and my reasons not to have children (or, at least, putting off having children) are numerous, but equal parts deeply logical and profoundly fear based. My desire for a child is about as ubiquitous and biologically driven as the next human female, however.
For the record, I have a tremendous amount of respect for those who commit their lives entirely to the task of child-rearing, staying home with their children AND I support women with children who balance a career and this import task and commend them for these efforts. At the same time, I celebrate those women who’ve made the choice to pursue a childless avenue, channeling their maternal drive in other, equally positive ways.
The wholly acceptance of womankind and the many fabulous choices available to us, for some unknown reason (to me anyway), makes me public enemy number 1. Its like I have to pick a side or everyone’s against me-- like I am the lesser of the two, even sub-woman, simply because I have yet to commit to one or the other.
When I explained to a friend with children that it was incredibly important to me that I have the financial where with all to support a child (which falls into my deeply logical category) before I brought one into the world, her response was, “that is such an excuse,” said in a most exasperated tone. I sat shocked, and wondered what foresight and planning she would find appropriate if money was an “excuse.”
On the flip side, another friend who also happens to be a very bright and talented molecular biologist decided half way through a prestigious post doc that she was ready to have children. The news of her pregnancy among her female colleagues was met with disdain and one horrified woman said to me in a rather cold, casual way: “I can’t believe she would do that to her career.” Naturally, I supported my friend’s decision in my pacifist way, to which I received silence and a blank stare conveying that oh-too-familiar notion: “I thought you were one of us.”
And the insults fly, breaking apart friendships, seeming to serve the purpose of separating factions into haves and have-nots. Like, “I don’t see why she couldn’t make it, its not like she has anything to do,” was said by one working childless ‘friend’ about a mutual stay-at-home mom ‘friend’ and was later flung back with: “I just happened to notice the only ones who manage to show up on time are those of us with children.”
Last I checked, taking care of children 24-7 is far from doing nothing, and timeliness is not a function of the status of one’s womb. But, I admit to desperately wanting to use that as an excuse for my tardiness problem.
Nonetheless, it all makes absolutely no sense to me. Women have worked so hard to build a country rich with opportunity, opening doors and breaking through the many social barriers set by our culture that were our past limitations. What good does it do us to insult each other for choosing any one of many opportunities available and as a result stand in our own way?
Perhaps this is just my view from the fence, however, but even while teetering in my indecision, I know two things for sure: I will always support my fellow woman in whatever positive life choice she makes and dogs will always be a part of my family.
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Comments
Your comment is enlightening and deeply appreciated. Several of us fence sitters have discussed that there must be an end to this battle and predicted it has to be sometime around 40, when the choice is- dare I say thankfully- no longer on the table.
Absolutely wonderful to know your choice turned out 'all good.'
There is a ballot measure in my state that eliminates the super majority needed to pass a revenue measure. In other words, not voting is a "nay" vote, and if there is not at least 50% of the registered voters participating, a revenue measure does not pass. The "super" part is that in addition, the "yea" vote has to be a 60% of participating voters approving. All this is said to diminish the democratic issue of simple majority.
So, in a way, the brightest and best not having children is a vote in the democratic process to decide on having children or not to have them. But, by not having children, and leaving that biological function to the those least able to provide (does this negate the value of public education for "non-breeders?") to those who do so without the interest or ability to provide for their child and thus transferring a portion of that burden to you and I (1562 foster children in my county and the adjoining one--two non-metro counties with a significant number of rural residents), and in those not very good outcomes for those born to poverty, addiction, low education achievement, are we not diluting our very essence as the highest form of evolution, and perhaps standing still, at best, in our quest to be the best, the most socially concerned, the fairest, the kindest people who should lead the world to peace and prosperity?
I have a very bright, very loving, very independent daughter who has had two children late in life. She is passionately devoted, as is her husband, to molding and allowing her two girls to be the best they can be, as I did with her. Her daily energy is devoted to those two lovely girls being allowed to grow in every way. I cannot imagine her not being a mother. And I cannot imagine a world where people as gifted as my daughter could allow that gift to die with them. We do, as you might read in the media daily, see generational success by what seems to be a selected few. The Kennedy family success has not been determined by the decision to not have children. Their success has been based on their having children, and nurturing those children. It seems sort of crazy to me to see Ted Kennedy lionized by women who think not having children is a good thing. He is, after all, the product of a huge family and he was created by a huge family, and all the liberal gains and power in this country have been driven by that plethora of children that arrive generationally in that family. I mean, what would the Left be with a Rose Kennedy who decided that having children was beneath her, and not something she would participate in?
I do not mean to offend by my contrarian thoughts, but without the best and brightest having kids, I fear for our future, and the future of my grandkids. If we have the gift of public education, and the goal of universal health care, should not the best and brightest not feel some sort of need to further the process by producing a new generation with their legacy of careful thought, knowledge, and a chance to help the future by having children with all the possibilities to be concerned and helpful to their world, to their environment?
I am 55 years old and made a choice to not have kids and have never regretted it. The many animal companions I have had, have also never regretted that decision.
If I were a writer I would love to write a book on this subject and interview the many friends and relatives I know who have chosen not to reproduce.
We do have choices and we are evolving.
And, from the perspective of an empty-nester and major dog freak, I can tell you that kids are stinkier.
From the mother of Andrew & Grace, and Honeybear & SammyWammySuperdog.
her freedom at not being a house mother. These types of women only want prey on the timid to force them to breed so they can feel like they have some form of control over another woman based on their non-control of their own lives. I would look towards the other woman that came to your aid in learning how to defend yourself against the She-Monster. Since she has marked you as having freedom, she will then have most likely spread your name around her chicken coup, where another one of her suborbinates will probably approach you in the same manner of trying to get you to breed children so your freedoms are taken away and you are made to feel like they are.