Bob Wire Has a Point (It's Under His Cowboy Hat)
Wood Softball Bats Banned, Ty Cobb Spins In Grave
By Bob Wire, 6-19-08
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| If you play hard and live a clean, productive life, you, too, can have a personalized autograph bat. Or just send $75 to Louisville Slugger like I did. | |
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I play softball twice a week in the Men’s D League, which is one level below the Special Olympics. My position, highly specialized, is short fielder, or rover. I run around the grass between the infielders and the outfielders, trying to goad the batter into hitting somewhere I’m not. Occasionally they’ll simply hit it over my head (not that difficult—I AM a short fielder), which makes us all look like idiots. I consider myself the shortstop of the outfield.
As a hitter, it’s strictly singles. I lack the power to hit homers (I’m the oldest guy on the team by about 20 years), but I can usually sneak one past the infielders and get on base. Since I don’t need to hit the ball as far as humanly possible, I don’t need a double-wall, laser-balanced $600 unobtanium softball bat. I use a wood bat. Far as I know, I’m the only guy in the league using one, judging from the reactions of opposing catchers when I come to the plate (“Hey, Ty Cobb, nice wood bat. Everybody move in!”).
A few weeks ago my bestest buddy, Steve, gifted me with a marvelous specimen with an incredible—but short—history. It’s an actual major league hardball bat, used by the Ospreys’ Lyle Overbay a couple years ago to hit exactly one home run. Only time he ever used the bat. According to Steve, Overbay smacked the tater, and handed the bat to his equipment manager (much the same way I finally was able to put the meat to a hotly-pursued Kappa Delta pledge in college, and brought the used condom home to my mystified roommate).
So Steve gave me the bat, and once I got used to its manly heft (I have to choke up about a foot), I began to find my stroke. During one game last week, I went five for five. Next game, four for four. I currently have the highest batting average on our team. We had a late game under the lights at McCormick last night, and I brought my mini-tree to the plate, eager to shut the mouths of all the punks on the other team, who were making cracks about “grandpa and his big brown woodie.” I stepped up to the plate and assumed the position.
“Is that a wood bat?” asked the ump. She’s a tough but fair woman with a good sense of humor, one of our favorites.
“Yes ma’am,” I answered proudly, waving my major league monster.
“Well, wood bats are illegal.”
Flabbergasted? Dumbfounded? Does the word even exist that can accurately describe my shock and disappointment at that statement? She called strike one as my jaw hit the plate. I told her I’d been using a wood bat in 20 games a year for four years, and this is the first I’d been told it was against the rules. Our coach (Steve’s son, Eli) was already rifling the rule book in our dugout. “Oh, it’s common knowledge,” said the ump. It was obvious that she wasn’t going to engage any kind of argument, so I trotted to the dugout and swapped my lumber for a tin stick. The dugout was buzzing with indignation and protest (and PBR farts), but if there’s one thing I’ve learned on the softball field, it’s that the ump will never change his/her mind. Ever.
So I hit my single, ran safely to first, and began to wonder about the implications of what just happened. Even though aluminum bats have actually caused a handful of deaths in youth baseball due to their ability to launch a hardball at roughly the same velocity as a Lee Harvey Oswald head shot, schools continue to use them because they’re cheaper than wood.
One of the comments the umpire made was that the league wants to use “the safest bats.” Sorry, but that just doesn’t wash. Sure, there have been several injuries, and at least one fatality that I know of, from broken wood bats in MLB games. The bat snaps and the jagged projectiles fly into the crowd, or maybe the pitcher’s neck. It happens. But on a softball field? In a slow-pitch game? The guys in our league are more likely to break parole.
My daughter, Speaker, played softball the last two seasons for the little league in Missoula. The league no longer allows sunflower seeds or bubble gum during a game. No bubble gum while playing softball. What’s next? No goofy nicknames? No cheers from the dugout? (My favorite from Speaker’s team: “You’re team’s nothing but a bunch of noobs / Elizabeth Ann is starting to grow boobs!”)
Lawyers and insurance vermin have already taken away our diving boards, our lawn darts, our drive-through liquor stores (except in parts of Wyoming), our glass Gatorade bottles, and our open trampolines. The fear of litigation is sucking the fun out of life, and to ban the use of wood bats in a summer softball game is beyond silly. It’s retarded.
But I’ll make the adjustment in time for Monday’s game. Now, where did I put that can of silver spray paint…?
[Summer’s here and the time is right for bookmarking NewWest.net/BobWire.]
http://www.humor100.com/cgi-bin/rank/rankem.cgi?id=ednor59
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Comments
Jim
And a wood bat? What are you, like 80 years old or something? You're probably one of those “funny guys” who plays the outfield with a catcher’s glove because you like to be quirky and a crafty veteran who bunt swings pissers between third and short. All you need now is a big red nose and a pair of over-sized clown shoes to complete the look.
And a wood bat in the year 2008, what's next Bob? Bank won't let you sign your check with a quill any more? Here's some hot news for ya, bread is now available sliced!
Explains your .713 average, bitch
You see, I was a fine first baseman in me day. Never dropped a ball did I. Then one day, for no reason the umpire declared that there shall be no more catching of the ball with me hook hand. “ASA rules” says he. “I’ll crush ye barnacles” said I but to no avail.
What’s next my brother? No more batting of the ball with me peg leg? Thus the whirligig of time brings in his pirate.
Arrrggg damn it!
I prefer a wood bat because of the feel, because of the sound, and because it's what the late Kenny Shugart used during his career with Zimorino's Red Pies team, which I played for in their 20th season, 1998. Kenny passed away from cancer around that time, and I wanted to honor him by continuing the tradition.
Besides, I've never heard anyone wax nostalgic about going down to the ballpark on a sunny summer day and hearing the *tink* of the bat.
If I close my eyes I can see you out there on the field, short field that is. You’ve got your elastic waist band Sears Toughskins pulled up high and tight. Ready to go at the “tink” of the bat in your vintage Converse Hightops, and you’re looking mighty fine with your hair shellacked into place with a half tub of pomade. Your head filed with dialog from Happy Days and Leave It Beaver, you imagine yourself getting hit on the head by a line drive waking up in Pleasantville living out the rest of your days in glorious black and white where the chicks dig you as you tell them tales of the newfangled aluminum bats of the future. The downside is that your ventriloquist dummy “Buddy” is getting jealous and one of those girls will be found drowned in the river by the morning.
You old blood sucking son of a bitch! How have you been?
Boy your post brings back memories. I think it was in the cereal mascot’s league in Kellogg, Idaho when I last saw you pulling that chocolate bat stunt. Dude, you can be gross when you want to be.
I’ll never forget how pissed you were at Franken Berry for coming to bat with that wooden stake. It was a joke Count, let it go already.
Besides, you kind of blew your “I’m just a vampire” spiel running around with your Johnson hanging out shouting to the girls “you do me. I’ll do you”
Let’s do Vegas again buddy!
Pals forever;
Tony D
Bob Wire and his .700+ avg. rules!! Go Bob!
I believe Hay Wire doesn't want Fop -
he's a Dapper Dan man god dammit!
He's the temporal oddity - two decades from everywhere.
What, you gotta problem with that?
I don't care how many fake names you post under, you still need to get your facts straight. An error or a walk counts as a hit? Not in our scorebook, zipperhead. For the record? What record?
Your jealousy is becoming tedious.
"For the record," it is indeed the diameter of the bat's barrel that renders it illegal. It will stay in the rack until I can find a lathe...
For the record, allow me to quote the New West comment policy...
"Contributions that engage in personal attacks, racism, bigotry, hatred or are otherwise patently offensive will be subject to removal."
You're gunna get in trouble!
For the record, a baseball bat is approx 2 1/2 times bigger than an ASA approved bat. So that means that you really only hit .285.
And speaking of jealousy, you should pay more attention to Buddy. Remember what happened the last time that you let Buddy come out?
I dedicate this to all of you. Make piss, not war.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=82mwhSyHbow
Bestest wishes,
Tabby
Don't those pitcher guys look super cool doing that real fast underhand wind-up? How about them other dudes (sometimes chicks too) that mimic some Major's batting stance, all cockily bent at the waist with the foot out front pivoting on the toes and the bat way high up in the air behind them. Yeah, softball is cool, man.
Yo Bobbby...for the record, do you prefer to pitch or catch?
(You know, I don't mind some back-and-forth in the comments. Keeps things juicy. But when people have the sole purpose of tearing me down, it gets tiresome real quick. At least you've got a sense of humor, ball point pendejo.)
Now, you label your opponents as “clowns” while confessing that you openly laugh at them from the outfield. Maybe you are a better hitter than most people but it's not nice to laugh at others when they are trying their best.
As my mom always said, “Don’t dish it out if you can’t take it”
Who called the goody-two-shoes police?
Isn't there someone downtown using a salad fork for the main course you could be harassing instead?
And "zipperhead" is a term of endearment, by the way. ;-)
I’ve got blood on my hands and I understand that it’s all because of me.
I got shit faced once drinking from the cup of human kindness which seems to have run dry around here. Smashing my parallelogram leaving only sun and an empty room, the kids out on the west coast are getting coaxed out by a certain smoke. Maybe it seems shallow being neck deep in the light of the naked eye. Guess you’re old enough to know.
Bestest wishes,
Tabby
(Not for me, I like the abuse, but others may be curious)
Peace out, bitches!
Beer Tabby on the other hand, although I find you mostly entertaining, it may be time for you to detoxify your life.
There's things about me you don't know, Dianne. Things you wouldn't understand. Things you couldn't understand. Things you shouldn't understand.
You don't want to get mixed up with a guy like me. I'm a loner, Dianne. A rebel.
Bestest wishes,
Tabby
A racial slur coined by US soldiers during Korean War because if Asians were shot in the head with high-powered weapons, their heads would split as if you unzipped them.
You are forgiven.
Hope this helps...
Chris
Is the phrase "Afro-engineering" a racial slur? I like to use it as a term of endearment, and Bob-O says anything in the context of endearment is okay, so I think it's alright to do that. What do you think?
Thanks,
pendejo
Didn't you read the fine print below... If not here it is again...
"You agree to keep your comments on topic, respectful and free of gratuitous profanity. Contributions that engage in personal attacks, racism, bigotry, hatred or are otherwise patently offensive will be subject to removal."
Give it a try, you might just figure it out... But I won't hold my breath in anticipation...
Chris
I used to like them until they turned teenager and became ninjas. Now I like cinder blocks (and wooden bats).
The tag line at the top of this page refers to a guy with a point on top of his head. Then story proceeds to mention such serious and important topics as…
1) Beer Farts
2) Grandpa’s and his Big Brown Woodie
3) Lee Harvey Oswald’s Head Shot
And best of all, a new word is born – Noobs! Thanks to this blog, pedophiles all of the world are now able to Google their fetish. Do you know what a “Noob” is Chris?!?
So what the hell is the topic Chris? Do you want me to comment about Grandpa’s Woody? How about my personal opinion about Noobs? Am I on topic now Chris? Are my comments now in conformance with the small print at the bottom of the page? And Chris, if your agreement is so important why is it so small? Shouldn’t the important crap be in big print? Shouldn’t it Chris?!? And by the way, I’m not afraid of your italics.
Or maybe Chris, maybe the real topic here is satire. And satire leads to more satire. Doesn’t it Chris?!? If you take the time to read above you’ll find lots of lively banter about “Wood Bats” and “Softball”. I think that the “Satire” didn’t get into full swing until our mighty author called somebody a “bitch” and then another guy a “Zipperhead”. Which of course, was all just part of the satire, right Chris?!?
It’s seems to me Chris that your trying to control all of us stupid posters. Is that what you want Chris, to direct the stupid? What are your credentials? Have you actually ever been stupid before Chris?
I happen to know a thing or two about stupid, Chris. And I’m willing to help you. First thing we need to do is change your name. From now on you will post as “Woody Zipperhead”. We’ll start you off slowly so all you’ll say in the begging is “Great Story Bob!” or “Ha, ha, ha that was funny”. Once you proven yourself fit to be stupid, Chris, you can post comments like “Beer Tabby drank all of my beer and puked on the rug again”. Then, me and the quicker picker upper pendejo will then jump in and together Chirs, we will be stupid! Stupid at last, stupid last, Chris.
Welcome aboard, Chris - I mean Woody Zipperhead!
Bestest wishes,
Beer Tabby
Ps: I like turtles too!
Badabing!
“Anybody know whether Bob corks his bat with Viagra for those 4 hour games?”
Craig, in America a man should be free to cork anything he wants to cork. As you know, the window for which corking can take place has opened up considerably with the advent of the Viagra but whether or not a guy can cork his bat during a 4 hour game has not been addressed by any of the softball governing bodies. I would say that common courtesy says that out of respect for the other players it’s probably best that nobody corks anything which may come in contact with the game ball.
Craig it’s always wonderful to hear from you and thanks for listening. We’ll have pendejo banana boat all the dayo FedEx you a commemorative Beer Tabby Bag o’Hammers.
Ok, let’s open up the phone lines and take a few calls from people who are worse off than we are...
Hello and thank you for calling the Beer Tabby Selfish Help Line, how can I help?
I believe long duk dong pendejo posted a question above?
Afro-Engineering is not a racial slur and whether or not you can you use it as a term of endearment depends entirely on how sexually open you and your partner are with each other.
Afro-Engineering is slang for making corn rows out of a woman's pubic hair. first popular in Finland, It has become quite trendy in recent years thanks to the now famous Christina Aguilera upskirt photo. If you watch E Entertainment Televion you also know that Afro-Engineering is all the rage in Hollywood. In fact, Lindsey Lohan was just spotted getting out of a limo sporting a new Paul Mitchel creation that was a great big hit on the red carpet.
When asked by our on the scene interviewer, Ms Lohan also stated that she "prefers a wood bat" over aluminum because she to likes the way it "feels" much more than aluminum. Maybe Hay Wire is on to something?
Bestest wishes,
Tabby
NewWest.Net encourages robust and lively, but civil participation from our readers. By posting here, you agree to the NewWest.Net terms of service. You agree to keep your comments on topic, respectful and free of gratuitous profanity. Contributions that engage in personal attacks, racism, bigotry, hatred or are otherwise patently offensive will be subject to removal.
By the way, any member who repeatedly ignores these rules will be banned from commenting on the site. Consider yourselves (Beer Tabby, Pendejo) unwelcome here for now, and banned in the very near future.
That being said, I agree with your point and support it.
When the writer, using a pen name, unleashes the comic dogs as Bob tends to do here, perhaps a more flexible standard should apply. Just a suggestion. It's a bit confusing to know what the decorum is here for a comedic satire column versus a serious column. My suggestion is for everyone to use their real names and have valid e-mail addresses, but not as a rule. Perhaps NW may consider having different discussion areas. A moderated area and a free-for-all. I have noticed that a number of the on-line discussion blogs are addressing the same issues.
The certified mustacheologists at the American Mustache Institute are often asked, "What is the best mustache style?" or "What constitutes a bad mustache?"
The challenge is that there is no true best mustache style and there is certainly no such thing as a bad mustache, as they are all God’s creatures and thus loved by all within the mustache community.
There are simply many delicious and luxurious mustache options including such luminaries as the General Lee, the Fu Man Chu, the Dictator, the Hollywood, the Hero, the Square, the Bruiser, the Weasel, the Sheriff, or the Fireman.
But it is important to note that the greatness of a mustache is that a new style can be created each day by any mustached man... and sometimes a woman.
Because as the AMI often notes, "A mustache is a terrible thing to waste."
Always,
pendejo
A truth that can only be expressed in words is one-sided. Everything that is thought and expressed in words is one sided, only half in truth. The world Courtney is not imperfect or slowly evolving along a path to perfection. No, it is perfect at every moment; every unsuitable post carries grace within it. All stupid comments are potentially genius; all of my offending posts have joy in them, all illegal wood bats – eternal life. Everything that exists is good.
Everything is necessary, everything needs only my agreement, my wise ass comment, my loving, my laughter; then all is well is with me and nothing can harm me. I need aggravation as much as I need to get my way. In order to love the world, no longer compare it to some kind of desired imaginary world, some imaginary vision of perfection, you must leave things as it, love them as is and be glad to belong.
Courtney, by advising me that I am not welcomed you are also a requesting that I keep doing what I was doing and I will accept being banned as evidence that we are both closer to obtaining eternal peace.
(Beer Tabby smiled peacefully and gently, perhaps very graciously, perhaps very mockingly, exactly as the Illustrious One had smiled)
Bestest wishes,
Tabby
I'm asking no more than what our comment policy asks for: On-topic, respectful conversation and we reserve the right to help foster that here on our pages by closing the doors to those who do not abide by some simple rules of engagement.
Now, as Craig suggests, I might point all of you to our forums, which is, in fact, a relatively unmoderated, new place for discussion:
http://www.missoulaforums.net
So, if you have conversations you'd like to start or be a part of that are not quite at home in our comment threads, please give the forums a try.
Thank you very much for offering me my own column. It is true that when one door closes, another opens.
After much thought, I went down and asked the river what to do. I was reminded that my Indian blood has not had much success with relocation and that it may be best to die here with my people. My Irish blood insisted that I had a few beers and thought about it a little bit longer.
Courtney, it is after much contemplation that I must respectfully pass on your offer to have my own column. The river and the beers have both told me that it is my destiny let this play out as it was intended to.
As this may be the last time we talk, I ask you, what is the topic of this column? And who gets to decide what respectful is? Also, are these simple rules of engagement for all parties or are they just a one-sided ace in the hole for the select few?
My comments are typically in the spirit of and have always been inspired by the columns author. Much in the way the Rolling Stones were inspired by Chuck Barry. Mick and Keith used their inspiration not to create more Chuck Berry songs, instead something dangerous and wonderful was born. Courtney, please let me play it how I hear it!
Or cut me off, see if I care. But let my young friend fire in the hole pendejo carry on. I have thrown up all over the world and burped with both prince and pauper. If this is my time, so be it. I’m ready to go. Go ahead Courtney, pull my finger and let’s get this over with
I like turtles too!
Bestest wishes,
Tabby
I remember long ago when we were free to post at will
But now we’re banned pendejo
I think that Courtney has a crush on me but we have gone too far
They mistook us as both dumb
They blocked are posting but they can’t put out our star
There was something in the air that night
You farted right? pendejo
It was stinking there for you and me
And for Courtney, pendejo
Pickers always choose, don’t you forget it
If I had to do the same again
I would my friend pendejo
Caught up with the fireflies
You forgot about the stars
Wishful thinking
Has turned into
Never again
So tired of giving in
Don’t be scared
Because you’re strong
So strong
And I understand
The cowardly editors at this dog and pony show have decided they don't like challenges from el pendejo that highlite their journalistic shortcomings any more. Simply put, they've had it with losing to an asshole like me.
You and I, Beer Tabby, have repeatedly shown that there are plenty outside the wannabe journalistic elite who have more talent and creativity than the dull-witted mass-produced 'journalists' who couldn't find a story in a bookstore.
Um, yeah, I heard this gunshot, then I ran around a corner and there was a shot person, so I must be a witness to a murder!?!?
Get real...