http://www.newwest.net/topic/main/C510/L564/ New West Network: The Voice of the Rocky Mountains en info@newwest.net Copyright 2009 Sun, 08 Nov 2009 08:00:35 MST Sun, 08 Nov 2009 08:00:35 MST http://www.newwest.net/topic/article/if_u_txt_drv_u_suk/C510/L564/ http://www.newwest.net/topic/article/if_u_txt_drv_u_suk/C510/L564/ Thu, 05 Nov 2009 10:06:50 MST Finally, some good news about drinking and driving. Car and Driver magazine reported that texting while driving is more dangerous than drunken driving, thanks mostly to self-absorbed teenagers and undisciplined technodorks behind the wheel. Texting and talking on cell phones while driving resulted in almost 6,000 deaths on U.S. roads last year, according to DOT officials gathered for a “distracted driving summit” last month. Although that’s only about half the number of people killed by drunk drivers, it’s an alarming—and fast-growing—statistic. And that doesn’t even include the hundreds killed while trying to dig out a warm hunk of Dunkin Donuts sausage biscuit from deep in their crotch. (As far as the five-second rule goes, that remains a grey area. So to speak.) http://www.newwest.net/topic/article/enjoying_the_world_series_in_semi_ignorance/C510/L564/ http://www.newwest.net/topic/article/enjoying_the_world_series_in_semi_ignorance/C510/L564/ Mon, 02 Nov 2009 11:33:00 MST I am thoroughly digging this World Series, mostly as an educational event. That’s because I don’t have much of a stake in either team, beyond a mild dislike for the Yankees, and having a gonzo cartoonist/tattoo artist friend from Philadelphia. So I’m pulling for the Phillies, but when they lose a game I’m able to let it go by the time I climb out of the recliner to fetch a post-game barley pop. As a casual baseball fan, I don’t even start to pay attention until the playoffs. Even then, I embarrass myself in conversations, with pronouncements like, “It would be kinda cool to see the Twins get back in the Series. Maybe Prince would sing the national anthem,” only to be told, “Yeaaaaaah. Um, they were swept in the divisionals two weeks ago, Mr. Baseball.” I’m the first to admit that I don’t know a lot about our national pastime, or the crazy-ass lingo that goes with it. But I still like watching it. Up until last week, for example, I thought the “Mendoza line” was where you stood while waiting to purchase a “backdoor slider,” which I assumed was a greasy burrito. A “Baltimore chop” is not a slice of pork, I learned, and a “Texas Leaguer” is not a baseball team owner from the Bush family. I’m still being taken by surprise by these arcane, colorful terms. When I heard some announcer refer to a home run as a “dong,” I nearly spit out a mouthful of tater. So much to learn. http://www.newwest.net/topic/article/todays_jack_o_lantern_tomorrows_roadkill/C510/L564/ http://www.newwest.net/topic/article/todays_jack_o_lantern_tomorrows_roadkill/C510/L564/ Thu, 29 Oct 2009 10:41:23 MST “You got to caaaaarve that punkin, you gotta caaaaaarve that punkin…” I’m belting out these words to the tune of Southern Culture on the Skids’ “Carve That Possum” when the kids get off the school bus. Their friends, doing their best Kilroy-Was-Here impression, watch me from the bus windows as it pulls away. “Dad, you’re embarrassing me,” says Speaker, stamping a foot. At 11 years of age, she is highly susceptible to mortification. Rusty remains stoic. “Sorry, kiddo. I’m just full of…Halloween cheer!” I whip a ten-inch chef’s knife out of my coat. “Do you know what night this is?” Rusty gives me his best baleful stare. “Goat sacrifice?” “No, but close. It’s pumpkin carving night! I’ve already picked out some pumpkins for you guys.” http://www.newwest.net/topic/article/the_deseret_news_needs_a_marijuana_critic/C510/L564/ http://www.newwest.net/topic/article/the_deseret_news_needs_a_marijuana_critic/C510/L564/ Tue, 27 Oct 2009 07:58:13 MST The U.S. Attorney General’s recent recommendation for federal prosecutors to lighten up on medical marijuana users and distributors has launched a cottage industry of media reviewers for marijuana dispensaries. Denver’s hipster weekly, Westword, has received over 120 applications for the position, a couple of them actually written in tiny script on a Zig Zag paper. I could smell an opportunity for a journalist of my, uh, diverse background so I flew to Salt Lake City and got an audience with the city editor of the Deseret News, to persuade him that their paper needed a weed writer. The following interview was recorded with an iPod I had hidden in my Utah Jazz hoodie. Or maybe it was all a fever dream. http://www.newwest.net/topic/article/astrology_rocks_if_youre_a_scorpio/C510/L564/ http://www.newwest.net/topic/article/astrology_rocks_if_youre_a_scorpio/C510/L564/ Fri, 23 Oct 2009 09:02:57 MST Up to now, here’s how I handled my daily horoscope: read all 12 capsules in the paper, decide which one I like best, and go with it. Sometimes these things are as unrealistic as hopes for an honest election in Afghanistan, but other times they’re right on the money. Being a Scorpio, I’m naturally skeptical of the whole concept anyway. Astrology can be fun, especially at Kent Bros’ beer-thirty gathering when Scott Adler reads it aloud to everyone, out of the back of the Independent. Occasionally I’ll accompany him on the bongos, just for some dramatic punctuation, and his readings are so hilarious that people have been known to shoot beer out of their Gauquelin sectors. At a recent gathering, I mentioned to a friend that I’d be turning fifty in a few weeks, and she told me I should get my birth chart done by an astrologist. I had been thinking more along the lines of a colonoscopy and a prostate exam, but the birth chart sounded more fun, and less rectally invasive. Well, I assumed so; I didn’t know what the process involved. http://www.newwest.net/topic/article/movies_guys_like_blazing_saddles/C510/L564/ http://www.newwest.net/topic/article/movies_guys_like_blazing_saddles/C510/L564/ Wed, 21 Oct 2009 10:43:04 MST Can a movie be wildly funny and horribly offensive at the same time? Anyone who watched Steve-O’s sock-sheathed wiener get bitten by a snake in Jackass 2 will tell you that it’s not only possible, but the more shockingly gross or offensive, the better. “Blazing Saddles” was pretty shocking when it was released 35 years ago, but in a much different way than Jackass’s gross-out humor. It has topped many a critic’s list as the best comedy of all time, even though it’s riddled with the n-word, and the movie is wall-to-wall racism, sexism, and offensive behavior by a wide spectrum of stereotyped characters. It’s the kind of humor that makes you feel a little guilty for laughing, but the humor nearly always comes at the expense of the most bigoted characters. I watched it recently for the first time in about 20 years, and in current era of back-burnered racism and spineless comedies, “Blazing Saddles” is as shockingly offensive as ever, standing out like a black man at a Klan rally (which is actually a scene in the movie). If it were made today, I doubt it could find a willing distributor. http://www.newwest.net/topic/article/griz_tailgate_parties_who_needs_a_game/C510/L564/ http://www.newwest.net/topic/article/griz_tailgate_parties_who_needs_a_game/C510/L564/ Sun, 18 Oct 2009 20:31:52 MST The U of M Grizzlies put on a pretty good show in Saturday’s butt-clenching victory over Eastern Washington in Missoula. But even with the added hoopla of some sleek Corvettes driving across the turf carrying a bunch of leggy cheerleaders, and the last ‘vette in line opening its hatch to poop out a new mascot, it still couldn’t compare with the action going on outside the stadium. I’m learning that the tailgate parties are where the real excitement is, and as a newly minted Griz fan, I decided to see for myself what the culture was all about. What rituals did tailgaters perform to provide their friends and family with stylish nourishment before the game? What kind of customized rigs were people towing and driving from all over the place? Was there some eye-watering chili out there, created from a fiercely-guarded recipe? And most importantly, who was willing to offer me some free food? http://www.newwest.net/topic/article/bosss_day_give_me_a_lunch_break/C510/L564/ http://www.newwest.net/topic/article/bosss_day_give_me_a_lunch_break/C510/L564/ Tue, 13 Oct 2009 11:15:35 MST Are we not buying enough greeting cards in this country? Why else would there be a day to celebrate bosses, the people who, by and large, are the least deserving of a day of special recognition? The boss is the enemy. I’ve had bosses who have double-talked, misrepresented the truth, made outrageous demands, refused to pay overtime, forced me to use my personal vehicle for company business, withheld promised raises, lied to my face, humiliated me in front of my fellow employees, and then denied my unemployment claim after they fired me under false pretenses. And that was just one job. http://www.newwest.net/topic/article/death_to_the_hobos/C510/L564/ http://www.newwest.net/topic/article/death_to_the_hobos/C510/L564/ Fri, 09 Oct 2009 07:49:02 MST The hobo spiders are moving in like a gang of rail-riding bindlestiffs, entering the house unseen in the night to set up their tiny barrel fires and hobo jungles in the basement. They used to be known as aggressive house spiders, but their aggression was found to be a symptom of their transient lifestyle. As the family bug assassin, I’ve crushed, flushed, smashed and squashed hundreds of these poisonous bastards over the years. But this time, it’s personal. I’ve never been bitten by one, and from what I’ve seen and heard, it’s no picnic when it happens. Unless you like spreading a blanket out in the park and enjoying a wicker basketful of festering pus pockets and scabrous, necrotic flesh sandwiches. Not me, thanks. Too gross. I’ll stick to potted meat. http://www.newwest.net/topic/article/what_really_happened_on_that_boat1/C510/L564/ http://www.newwest.net/topic/article/what_really_happened_on_that_boat1/C510/L564/ Tue, 06 Oct 2009 05:45:15 MST As the wagons are circled and information is slowly pried out of the Barkus/Rehberg camps like so much pork between your molars after a BLT, Montanans are left in the dark about one thing: what really happened on that boat that night? For those of you who’ve just returned from a tour of the subcontinent, Rep. Denny Rehberg and four others were injured several weeks ago when the boat in which they were swashbuckling crashed head-on into a rocky bank on the east side of Flathead Lake. State Senate Majority Whip Greg Barkus was at the wheel of the boat, which is registered to his wife. Also on board, and injured in high-speed docking were Barkus’ wife and two Rehberg staffers. Since a complete picture of the accident has yet to coalesce, I’ve decided to paint a scenario of what might have gone down that dark, calm night on Flathead Lake. All we know at this point is that Rep. Rehberg had a BAC of .05 three hours after the wreck, one of his staffers is in a coma, and Barkus has lawyered up. For the sake of argument (and entertainment), let’s imagine what might have been learned if boats, like airliners, were required to be fitted with a black box.